Outtakes From Effortless Superiority
Effortlessly Moved To An Inferior Post
Just in case that wasn't already long enough, here are some bits of text from the essay I started writing, which was different. I can't see how to fit them in to the main thing:
Right until halfway into a PhD that I didn't find interesting. At that point the wellspring failed, and within twelve months of realising that it was gone I wasn't a mathematician any more. Part of the problem was that I'd never had to try at anything before, and I didn't know how to deal with anything that required effort.
Would you believe that at the time I sat my finals, I still thought that practising exam questions was cheating. I thought it was vulgar. Like you were trying to fool the examiners into thinking you were cleverer than you were.
I realized that I wasn't clever enough to bank on a first (I mean I still thought I'd get one, it's just that I'd realized there was a chance I wouldn't), so towards the end of my third year, I cheated a bit. But it was too little too late, and it didn't help much. I got the second I'd feared.
This only confirmed me in my belief that it was silly to try. That nothing that had to be worked at was worth having. It was easy to maintain this belief.
Lots of people have to try very hard to get into university. They slog away at A-levels, ruining evenings and weekends that should be spent being young and happy. And when they crowbar their way in, somehow managing to convince an interviewer far cleverer than they are that the lights are on in their heads, they find that it's all ashes. For nothing.
For it gets harder once you're not at school. And the only strategy these people have is to work harder. But they already worked as hard as they could.
They react predictably. They burn the candle at both ends for three years, and at the end of it they scrape low seconds and thirds. Some, released from parental pressure, realize that the game isn't worth it and drop out, pretending they didn't care in the first place.
I was terrified of being one of these people. I guess I still am.